


Some shine, then they fade away

by hajimes



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bullying, Childhood Friends, Imaginary Friends, Lonely Oikawa, M/M, Oisuga Brotp, imaginary friend hajime
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-17
Updated: 2018-05-01
Packaged: 2018-12-30 22:05:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 18,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12118176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hajimes/pseuds/hajimes
Summary: In which Oikawa Tooru is a lonely kid with a lot of imagination.And he really needs a friend.





	1. primary school

**Author's Note:**

> Hey y'all, so this is my first fic ever, pls be negligent.  
> And enjoy!

Oikawa Tooru always had a lot of imagination. 

He had needed it, for all the nine years he had been alive, it had been his only way to go through everything.

Whenever something would go wrong, Tooru would create his own universe, just for himself to see, just so he could escape the terrific reality of this world. 

He would imagine being an astronaut, going through space, stars, constellations, planets.  
Being alone up there, where loneliness would never bother him as much as it did down on earth. 

He would imagine being abducted by aliens. Right there in the middle of the school court, right when the other students were throwing bothering him, right when he needed it most. 

Of course, all that was in his own universe only. All in his creative mind. And it never happened in the reality he spent so much time escaping. 

Only one day, it did. 

\- 

It was a Friday, the first time Tooru saw that boy.  
Though, Tooru didn't really see him.  
He was crying, and his vision was so blurry, he could barely manage to avoid tripping on every rock.  
He was on his way home from school, and to do so he had to walk a lonely way through a forest, where the trees felt like they were falling on him, and the light of the sunset shining through them, was brighting the place like a fairy tale. 

Tooru would have been lying if he'd said he hadn't been afraid to walk alone there, at first.  
Or if he'd say the place hadn't seemed enchanted.  
But now that road felt reassuring, because it was the road that always lead him home, where he could finally feel safe and away from all his problems. 

Tooru hated school. From the first time he had stepped in it to now, he had hated every aspects of it. The place was old, the teachers were pretentious, his classes were boring, but most of all, what he hated were the students. Since the day he had arrived at his new elementary school, 3 months ago  
now, his classmates hadn't left him alone one second. They'd made every kind of jokes possible, thrown him every kind of insults, but that surely didn't stop them from carrying on bothering him. 

He was exhausted and upset. Every day seemed like an eternity and he still had so many like those to live.  
But the more difficult in all that, was that he was all alone to go trough it.  
He just desperately needed a friend. 

And so, as he kept his head down, his tears sliding down his cheeks to his chin, he kept walking as fast he could, so he could finally reach home. 

But all of a sudden, he nearly fell and avoided a concussion on a very big sharp rock, when he pumped into another boy. 

He sure hadn't expected seeing anyone in here. 

The boy was around his age. He had big brown eyes and black spiky hair. He was holding a jar in his left hand and a butterfly net in his right.  
He was staring right at Tooru.  
And Tooru was staring back. 

Tooru could have sworn that the boy had just miraculously appeared in front of him. One moment there was nothing, and the next there he was. 

After a moment of staring, Tooru blinked a few times and took a step back, before coming to the conclusion, by the frown on the other's boy's face, that he possibly was a mean child like all the ones at Tooru's school.  
Even if his face didn't appear familiar at all to him. 

Tooru whipped his tears away, sniffed, and tried to look as fearless and strong as the protagonist in the alien movie he had watched just the day before.  
"You're in my way." He said, taking a step ahead, even if he thought he'd looked tough, his voice trembled and sounded so little when it came out. 

The other boy was still staring at him, with the same frown as before. But now it didn't look mean, it turned confused. And almost soft.  
"Oh, uh, sorry" he said, looking around and stepping aside. He sounded as lost as he looked, "Why are you crying?" 

Tooru looked down at his feet again, had he really thought he could hide his puffy red eyes and wet cheeks?  
"That's– That's not of your business." He said with a sniffle.  
"What are you doing here anyways?" He looked at the other boy again. 

"I was just, uhm, looking for bugs."  
The boy said, like that was the most normal answer in the world. 

That took Tooru by surprise.  
"Looking for bugs? Who does that? Bugs are disgusting, why in hell would you look for them?"  
It was just after the words had left his mouth, that Tooru realized he'd say that out loud.  
Not so tough anymore. 

But after that, the other's boy expression became even softer than before. His frown was almost gone. Tooru thought briefly how he shouldn't frown so much or he'll get wrinkles way before anyone else, at this rate. 

"Because they're interesting!" The boy replied enthusiastically, "They're like these tiny creatures walking!"  
He made little moves to show Tooru how the bugs walked.  
Which almost made him laugh. 

He sounded friendly. But Tooru wasn't sure. He hadn't heard anyone ever talk friendly to him before. Was that how you made friends? By talking about bugs? Tooru really wasn't sure. 

"By the way, I'm Hajime. Iwaizumi Hajime." The boy said with a little smile, surprising Tooru once again, whom it took a few moment to remember his own name. 

"Tooru" he finally said, "Oikawa Tooru." 

And suddenly Tooru wanted to ask a lot of questions, did he have any other friends? Did he want to be Tooru's friend? Would he stay by his side forever? 

But all these thoughts disappeared as soon as Hajime took his hand and started showing him around and talking about bugs, teaching him how to catch them. And even though Tooru acted disgusted the all time, he was having fun. For the first time in a long time, he didn't have to fake being happy.  
He had made a friend. 

-

After this day, everything became way more easy for Tooru.  
At school, he still received all kind of jokes from his classmates but now he didn't care as much as he used to. 

He didn't care because everyday as he walked home from school, he wasn't crying anymore, he was smiling, because he knew his friend was waiting for him. 

And everyday they'd go exploring around and catching bugs and running around until they were both out of breath, exhausted and it was time to go home. 

Tooru would wake up in the morning and think about what he would be doing with Hajime at the end of this day. All day long, instead of paying attention in class he wondered if, tonight, he would be able to stay a little longer with Hajime. While the other children were playing games together, Tooru sat alone and studied bugs, so he could tell all about them to Hajime afterwards. 

And all days passed faster as he was looking forward to play with his new best friend every night. 

And times after times, he forgot what feeling lonely was like. 

\- 

One day, around a month after they'd first met, Tooru arrived at they're meeting point with a new toy in hand. In fact, this time, it wasn't really a toy. 

"Iwa-chan! Look what i brought" Tooru said, throwing the volleyball high in the air before catching it and throwing it up again. Hajime was facing him and before he was about to open his mouth to protest the new nickname or say something about the volleyball, Tooru continued.

"We played a bit in class today and I loved it! Turns out I'm not bad at all. I mean I'm good at everything but~" but Hajime was already taking the volleyball from Tooru's hands to hit him with it while saying something along the lines of "dumbass" and "idiot". 

"Rude! Iwa-chan!! Stop it!!" Tooru was complaining back. 

Once Hajime had stopped hitting him, Tooru explained that the gym teacher had gave him the right to borrow a volleyball so he could train at home. 

Hajime could tell that made Tooru happier than ever. 

So that day they stayed a bit longer outside to play.  
Tooru was right when he said he wasn't bad, he was good at tossing and serving. He was better than Hajime, anyways. Even if he would never admit it. 

After a lot of tosses and one against one matches, Hajime could tell Tooru was tired, even though the other boy wouldn't say it.  
"Oi," Hajime started, "we should get home, it's getting dark and cold." And I can tell you're exhausted. 

"But Iwa-chan! Just a last one!" Tooru complained, getting in position to serve the ball again.  
But before he could, Hajime was stepping toward him. 

"You said that like an hour ago already, dumbass." Hajime replied, not leaving Tooru a choice and taking the volleyball from him. "Go home. We'll have plenty of time to play tomorrow and the other days after." 

He could immediately tell that reassured Tooru. 

The other boy sighed, before taking the ball from Hajime's hands again. 

"Alright then, but, Iwa-chan don't pretend like you don't wanna stop playing because you lost all of our matches." Tooru smirked before turning away not letting the chance to Hajime to answer. 

"See you tomorrow." Tooru said without looking.

"See you." Hajime said to Tooru's back. 

After this day, finding bugs became less and less an activity and volleyball was taking all of their free time.

Each days they would stay a little longer outside before going home, sometimes even after the sun had set. 

"Please Iwa-chan! Last one!" Tooru would beg. 

To which Hajime would answer:  
"No you need to go home now, dumbass! You're mom is going to get worried!" 

"Thought you were my mom." 

And then Hajime would hit him in the head with the volleyball. 

\- 

A year passed like that, meeting up on the same spot, at the same time, at the end of every school days. And when school finished and summer began, Tooru and Hajime started spending more time together, sometimes entire days playing volleyball and going on adventures together. 

Summer was rolling by, and on the 20th of July, when all about school was far long gone and all the insecurities and worries forgotten, Tooru turned Ten. 

"So what are you going to ask for your birthday, Shittykawa?" Hajime asked him that day, when they were lying on the grass, exhausted and panting from playing for hours straight. 

"Oi! You said you'd be nice for my birthday at least! That nickname has nothing nice Iwa-chan!" Oikawa pouted and turned his back at Hajime. 

"I never said such a thing, you're the one who said that, i never agreed." Hajime replied and then, "you didn't answer my question." 

Tooru turned back to face the sky and Hajime stared at his profile, waiting for an answer. 

"I want to go to a volleyball game."  
Tooru said softly, he only spoke like that when he was talking about his favorite things. Hajime knew that tone better than anyone. When Tooru talked about becoming an astronaut, going to space, about meeting aliens, about stars.  
Or when he talked about changing school, meeting new people, becoming popular.  
And of course, when he talked about volleyball. 

"I want to go to a real one. I want to cheer for my team. I want to see what it's like in real life, how the real famous players play." 

To see if I could become one too, was left unspoken.  
A silence followed in which they both started at the sunsetting sky and imagined glory. 

"You should ask for that then, your mom would probably come with you, she'll say yes, I think."  
Hajime said. And he meant it.  
All he wanted was for Tooru to realize his dreams. 

"You should come with us then! You like to play too! That would be awesome!" Tooru said, turning to face Hajime. 

But they both knew the answer to that. 

"You know that's not possible."  
Hajime whispered, so slowly and quietly that he wondered wether Tooru had heard him. 

But he had, and he, indeed knew.  
And suddenly his eyes turned sad. Sadder than Hajime had ever seen them. 

He knew Tooru wasn't ready to accept the truth just yet.  
So he'd wait, as long as Tooru needed.  
\- 

The summer came and went like a flash of light and soon, Tooru was going back to school, starting his very last year of primary school. 

Though, what Tooru was mostly sad about this year, wasn't the other children or the actual classes, but the fact that he couldn't spend as much time with Hajime as he had in the summer. 

They went back to their old habit, they saw each other every day after school, and months began to pass by, faster and easier than Tooru would have imagined. 

On a cold December day, while they were tossing the volleyball back and forth at each other, it began to rain.  
But they were used to it. It happened a lot. 

Usually, Hajime would just order Tooru to go home and dry off. And Tooru would whine but always end up saying goodbye. 

But that day it was raining a lot more and hard than it ever had.  
The rain was hitting them both like rocks and they were soon going to be wet from head to toe. 

"What are you still doing here? Run home, you dumbass." Hajime  
practically yelled at him, to be heard through the rainfalls. "You're already wet as a–" 

But before Hajime could finish, they both froze when they heard a roar of thunder, coming from what seemed not so far away at all. 

Tooru began to shake hard, both from the cold and his crippling fear of thunderstorms. 

He turned his scared eyes to Hajime's, who looked right back and him and barked, "Go. Home!" 

That day though, and he'd never knew why, but his worries weren't all about the weather. 

"What about you? Where are you going? Aren't you going to get stroke by thunder too? I'm not leaving you here." Tooru said, not moving a inch of his body. 

God, was he sacred though.  
Looking tough never got him anywhere. 

"I'm-" Hajime began, but another thunder stroke cut him straight. It sounded even closer than the previous one. 

"Come home with me! I'm scared! I don't want to leave you here. And I don't want to go back alone. I'm not leaving if you don't come with me!" Tooru cried out. He took Hajime's hand in his and squeezed hard. He was not ready to let go anytime soon. There were tears in his eyes but he tried to pretend it was only the rain. His whole body was shaking but he refused to move. 

"But nothing will happen to me! I'll be fine! Don't worry. Run." Hajime answered, more softly than he meant to.  
He stared in Tooru's eyes but the only thing he saw, besides fear, was determination. 

And Hajime knew Tooru.  
He knew he wouldn't move a inch until Hajime would agree.  
No matter how scared he was, Tooru was always too strong headed for his own good. 

Hajime sighed. What other choice did he have anyways?  
"Alright. Let's go now before you freeze to death. Stupid." 

Tooru only had a second to gloriously smile at his win before the thunder roared again and they both started running in the opposite direction. 

They ran as fast as they could through the trees and bushes, trough the rain and the cold.  
Never letting go of each other's hand. 

Tooru thought he heard Hajime shouting to be careful not to fall, but the rain was too loud to make up the exact words. 

When they reached Tooru's house, they were both wet as carps, their clothes soaking and gluing around their bodies. 

Tooru brushed a hand through his wet bangs falling onto his forehead, then opened the front door to a safe and warm house.  
A silent sigh of comfort filled them both as they stepped inside. 

That day was the first time Hajime had met Tooru's mom or had been into Tooru's house. 

And he had not looked forward to that day, he was anxious and well aware of the situation, while Tooru seemed totally fine and unbothered by anything but the rain. 

Actually, as much as Tooru was pretending to pout about the weather, to Hajime, he seemed as happy as ever. 

Hajime still, was anxious, he needed to tell Tooru, to make him see sense, he had to–

But before he could worry some more, Tooru tugged at his arm and lead him to the kitchen, where his mom was standing. 

The first thing Hajime noticed was the familiarity of her face, she really looked a lot like Tooru. She had the same eyes and hair color, despite her expression being softer and kinder as she lowered her gaze to her son. 

"I was worried sick, Tooru. Have you seen that storm? You should have came home sooner. I told you not to stay outside so late when you're on your own." His mom said, while she was handing a clean towel at her son. 

And for a moment, Hajime actually thought that maybe he could sneak out before Tooru noticed he was gone, and he'd–

"But Mom! I wasn't alone! This is Hajime! My friend I told you about! The one who I play volleyball with after school." Tooru said, cheerfully, and Hajime froze. 

Tooru's mom opened her mouth, as if she was ready to say something, but then she closed it and only smiled fondly at her son. That smile was full of kindness and love, but Hajime couldn't help but noticed how sad it looked. 

She briefly looked around the room, as thought she was hoping she'd see Hajime too, her son's best friend, whom he had been talking about for months. 

But of course she couldn't see him, after all, the only person able to see him would always be Tooru. So she returned her desperate gaze to what she was preparing just as Tooru said: "we'll be upstairs!" 

And he lead the way, tugging at Hajime's arm as they walked up the stairs and through a corridor, to finally open the very last door to, what Hajime immediately recognized as Tooru's bedroom. 

It was exactly how Hajime had imagined it. How Tooru had described it.  
Filled with gigantic posters, most of them alien shows, Star Wars, and other sci-fi movies Tooru had told him about. 

Looking more closely, Hajime could see all the dvd's and books Tooru had collected and left a little everywhere around his room. 

In addition to all the useless nerdy merch in Tooru's uncleaned room also were a pile of dirty clothes spread on the floor among some other alien video games and an unmade bed. 

All this almost made Hajime smile, it reflected Tooru perfectly.

"I knew you were messy, but c'mon you could clean up sometimes, dumbass." Hajime commented, as he went through Tooru's very bad organized manga collection. 

"But, Iwa-chaaaaaaan" The other boy whined, as he dropped floppily and dramatically on top of his bed.  
"I've done it not so long ago already, like what, last month." 

"Now you're just lying." Hajime replied easily with a smirk, still not looking at him. 

"Am not! Rude!" He heard Tooru mutter, head into his pillow. 

There was a beat of uncomfortable silence then, where both of the boys didn't know what to say.  
But then Hajime heard Tooru take a deep breath, he turned around to find Tooru pulled in one elbow, looking at the floor with a sad look on his face. 

Hajime hated that look, and he knew what was coming next. 

"She can't see you, can she?" He asked softy, almost like a whisper.  
"My mom."

Hajime could tell Tooru had been holding this back. 

"No, she can't." Hajime answered truthfully. "Oikawa, I'm–" 

"No. I know. I– I'm the one who's sorry. I just. I forget sometimes. You seem more real when we're alone." Tooru said, he was clearly avoiding his gaze and Hajime wondered if it was because he had tears filling his eyes. 

He nodded silently, and then looked out the window and said, "I should go now, it stopped raining." 

"Yeah, uhm, goodnight." Tooru said, whipping the tears from his eyes and trying to fake a smile at Hajime, which he knew never worked. 

\- 

Later, Tooru's mom called him down for dinner. 

And he saw her actually hesitate when she set the table, not knowing if she should put another plate on, so he quietly said, "it's fine, he's not here anymore." 

His mother nodded and Tooru sat at his usual place at the table and started eating without a word.  
Being quiet really was weird coming from Tooru, everyone who knew him knew that. 

And then he set his fork down, not hungry at all, and said, "I wish you could see him, you know." 

"I think I wish i could too." His mom replied. 

But even as they spoke the same words, they didn't mean the same thing at all. His mom wished she could see Hajime, because then that meant he was real. So she could say Tooru had a real friend. So Tooru wouldn't get so lonely. 

Tooru actually didn't really care wether other people could see Hajime or not, he just knew it would make things easier if they could. But he also just wanted to show everyone how amazing Hajime was, how great the friendship they'd built was. He wished others could see Hajime, so he could finally say they're friendship was real, as real as every other friendship ever. 

He wanted to show the world that he wasn't all alone anymore. 

"You know, Tooru," His mother started, "Even if he's not real–" 

"Don't say that." Tooru said flatly. He normally never talked to his mother so heartlessly but he hated that word. Real. Who where they to decide what was real or not.  
"He's very real for me, maybe you can't see him, but I can. And for me, he's real."  
Whatever real means. 

His mother just looked at him, stunned. Not knowing what she should say next. 

"I don't get lonely anymore." Tooru continued quietly, filling the uncomfortable silence that remained in the space between them.  
"I know you were worried about me, and i used to be. Lonely, I mean. But i'm not anymore, since he's here. He really is my friend, mom. I know maybe you can't understand, but he's everything I have." 

But that's exactly what his mom really is worried about. Her son's imaginary friend is everything to him? Is that normal? It'll go away, as he'll grow up, she tells herself, of course. But what she's anxious about is whether her son will ever truly let go. 

Because you see, Tooru as a son, had been a handful. He was (and still is), always a whiny kid.  
Always wanted something more.  
Always wanted something he didn't have.  
But the difference with Tooru was that he never gave up, until he had what he wanted.  
And when he had it, he'd never gave it up either. He still has all the toys he had wanted each times, still has all his video games and movies, still has his volleyball. 

He had wanted a friend, and now that he had one, he probably would never want to let go of him. 

\- 

A few months later, on a basic day of school, when all the children were playing in the courtyard and Tooru was sitting alone, the back to a tree like always, contemplating the sky and waiting for the bell to ring, he heard his name called. 

He turned to see who it was, just to see his classmates laughing and calling his name ironically. And as always, Tooru decided to ignore them until they'd stopped. 

It was almost the end of the day anyways, only a couple of hours before Tooru could go play with Hajime and forget all about his bad day. 

But his classmates didn't stop, and Tooru was getting pissed off.  
He was tired of being humiliated and not saying anything about it.  
So all of a sudden, he stood up and started running toward them, not knowing what he would even do then. He never took the time to think through when he was angry. 

But before he could even get to them, he felt hands on his back pushing him down right into a flack of mud. 

And now everyone was laughing harder at him, and Tooru was crying.  
He hated mud, he hated dirt, he hated school and he hated everything. 

This was always how it ended, his anger transformed into pathetic sadness and tears. 

And the other kids roared even with more laugher when Tooru tried to stand only to fall back into the mud and splash more dirt all over himself. 

He was so sick of it. He just wanted to disappear, he wanted to– 

"Hey there, need a little help?" A soft voice came to his ears. 

His first thought was that it was Hajime, because it was the only person who would ever help him in these kind of situations, and for a second he thought that maybe he'd come all the way to school to help him.

But then he opened his eyes only to find a boy his age, with soft white hair and kind grey eyes, looking down at him, offering him a hand. 

Tooru hesitated and the boy probably noticed it because then he said, "Don't worry, i just want to help you up. I'm not friends with them."  
He gestured the other children, who had now lost interest in Tooru and were back somewhere else, causing more trouble. 

Tooru took the boy's hand and got himself up, he then tried to take away the dirt from his clothes, unsuccessfully. 

The boy was looking at him with such soft eyes and smile, Tooru could have sworn he had never seen anyone smile so honestly and kindly in his life. 

"I'm Sugawara Koushi! Never saw you around before, what's your name?" The boy- Koushi- said. 

And Tooru was about to say that he had never saw him before either, before realizing that this was probably his own fault. 

He never paid attention to anyone at school and barely knew the name of any students, not that he ever cared. And the thought of someone nice in this school has never been imaginable, until now. 

"I'm Oikawa Tooru, I hide from the people here, most of the time. You must've seen why."  
He choose his words carefully but truthfully. 

But then he stopped talking abruptly. Because the scene weirdly reminded him of something.  
And that something was his first meeting with Hajime, in the woods, a few years ago now. 

And that led him to wonder wether other people could see Koushi as well, or if it was Tooru's need of help and friend that had created him. Again. 

But his worries were cut off when the bell rang and they both returned to their own classes, and while Tooru watched closely, he saw Koushi clearly talking to the teachers and other students. 

And for some reasons, that made him genuinely happy. 

That day turned out like Tooru never knew it would.  
He spent the rest of the day with Koushi, telling him about volleyball and Koushi actually would like to learn as well.  
They talked about an incredible amount of things, and they got along so well, that the day passed in a second. 

And all Tooru could think about when he left the school, was how he wanted to tell Hajime everything that had happened.  
He wanted to tell him all about his new friend, about how he had saved him from the mean children, about how he wouldn't be alone at school anymore. 

He walked fast to their meeting point with a bright true smile on his face, as he thought trough of how he could tell the whole story to Hajime. 

But when he arrived to the woods, where there should have been Hajime, was no one. 

It was unusual, but Oikawa decided not to worry himself too soon and started walking around the woods calling Hajime's name. 

Maybe he'd gone on an adventure without him, maybe he had found something interesting somewhere else, maybe he wanted to scare Tooru by surprising him, maybe it was nothing at all. No need to worry, right?

But after an hour of running around, shouting "Iwa-chan" to no one at all but the trees above him, Tooru could feel his breath getting shorter and tears rolling down his cheeks. 

He sat down against a rock, and just for a moment, he allowed himself to let go. He started to cry hard. To think of the worst. To feel like the worst. To feel like it was all his fault.  
Juts for a moment, he let it all go on himself. 

"I still need you, Hajime." he whispered through sobs, for the trees only to hear. "Please don't leave me." 

He sat there until it was almost nighttime and Hajime still hadn't shown up.  
Tooru would have said that he wasn't expecting him anymore, but then why was he still here? 

He knew his mother was probably getting worried, and normally at this time, Hajime would have yelled to him to go home already. 

So he did.  
He walked back home.  
A few last tears fell to his chin, as he opened the front door, muttered that he wasn't hungry and walked past the kitchen without meeting his mother's eyes. 

He went directly to bed and fell asleep almost immediately on top of the covers, without changing or washing up. 

That night, he dreamt of loneliness, and that hadn't happened in a long, long time. 

\- 

The day after that, he woke up late.  
Or rather, he pretended to wake up late, so maybe his mother wouldn't send him to school.  
Which didn't work.  
So he pretended to feel sick.  
Which, as a matter of facts, didn't work either. 

The only reason he had a little faith to go was Koushi, but every time he thought about him, he had to think about Hajime too.  
And that thought just made him want to curl back into bed and never move again. 

He had worried and thought about it all night long, all these insecurities, anxiety and loneliness, hitting him like a rock, he had forgotten what kind of pain all that caused. 

He hadn't ever wanted to remember, either. 

But he had no other choice but to go. So off he went. 

The day, itself, wasn't much different from the other ones, he spent it with Koushi again. But compared to the precedent ones, that day passed very painfully slowly. 

And even he knew why, he didn't want to face the truth.  
Didn't want to walk back home and find the spot, that spot where he had felt safe and at home, empty again.  
Didn't want to feel lonely all over again. 

Even if Koushi was there beside him now, it wasn't the same.  
It would never be. 

Hajime was Hajime, he was irreplacable and Tooru knew that too well.  
Tooru needed Hajime to be there, beside him, he knew it now that he was gone, better than ever before. 

Being around Hajime was like going up for air while he was drowning.  
Like he was breathless all day at school and home, but when he was with the other boy, it was the only time he could truly take a deep breath, forget about everything and feel alive again. 

Tooru couldn't live without that.  
Without him. 

And that day for the first time, he didn't want to go home, the thought of walking that road who had kept him going all this time, was now frightening and worrying him like never before. 

But once again, he had no choice. 

So when school ended, he took all the time in the world before leaving and walked too slowly through the not so long way home. 

And when he got to the place he was so anxious of passing by, he was almost scared to look, which felt so pathetic. So he did look. Trying not to expect anything out of it. 

And there was Hajime. The very same boy he had first seen some time ago, with the same spiky hair and frowning eyes, waiting for him. 

There he was, like nothing had happened, like every other days, like usual. 

Tooru didn't have the time to think anything of it, because his body just moved forward and soon he was throwing himself over Hajime's neck and hugging him as tightly as he could, tears falling on his cheeks. 

"Oi! get off me! what's up with you today?" Hajime says, trying to push Tooru away, unsuccessfully. 

"Y- You, weren't h- here yesterday! And- And I thought you were g- gone. I-" Tooru tried forming words but he could barely talk through the sobs on Hajime's shoulder. 

"Alright, alright. It's okay, calm down, I'm here now." Hajime patted Tooru's head comfortaly and started pulling his hair, like he always did to let Tooru know he was there for support and help.  
Like he always did to let Tooru know he was safe and sound. 

When Tooru finally got himself together, a few minutes after. He cleaned his face, pulled himself away from Hajime and looked at him in the eyes.  
"I came here yesterday as always and, you weren't here! Why? I thought you were gone! I got so scared! And, besides I needed to tell you something important: I ma-"

"You made a friend." Hajime cut him off, so calmly it was frightening.  
His tone was stoic and low and he was avoiding eye contact. 

"I- Yeah I did. How do you- When did-" Tooru sputtered words around confused and searching for Hajime's eyes. 

"Listen, there's something you need to know, Tooru." Hajime said, way too calmly again.  
He finally looked at Tooru, and his eyes were so sad, he had never seen such a thing on the other boy's face and it scared him more than words would explain. 

Tooru remained silent even if his mind was full of questions. 

"You- I'm here, because you needed me, right you know that and well, you have a friend now. A real one. And I-" Hajime struggled. He couldn't find the right words for this.

"What? But- But if you feel replaced by Koushi then I'll- I wont be friend with him again, okay? So you won't disappear again and–" Tooru said hesitantly, not really knowing where he was going. Or what he was saying. 

"No, you dumbass, you know that's not what I mean! That's the opposite of what I mean.  
Just, I'll always be here when you need me, okay? But I don't think I can be here when you don't." Hajime simply said, he knew these words resumed the situation perfectly, but then why was it so hard to say them?  
And why was it even harder for Tooru to hear them? 

At that Tooru felt like he was going to start crying again, soon.  
"But- But Iwa-chan. I still need you! Here I- I still need you here with me!" He barked out. 

"I know! I know that, Tooru. I'm not going anywhere, for now. Okay? Please don't start crying again." Hajime said so low, not knowing if those words were reassuring or not.  
But they seemed to be, for Tooru.  
Because his face brightened a bit and he sniffled a few times before finding a slow rythme to breathe again. 

He hugged Hajime again, needing contact as a confirmation that he was still there, and would be as long as he had to. 

The words "for now" were still ringing in his head, too loud to ignore, but not loud enough to worry him. 

Because, for now, things would stay easy.  
For now, he was there. Beside him.  
There was no need to worry if, for now, everything was alright.


	2. middle school

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oikawa grows up and realizes some things are meant to change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry christmas ahah

The world turned upside down when Tooru entered middle school. 

During the first few months, nothing was quite different.  
They kept their peaceful routine, they met up every night at this same spot they'd been using for what seemed like ages. They promised nothing would change. 

Tooru would sometimes arrive a little later than usual, because his middle school was farther away, but Hajime was always waiting for him when he walked through the forest. 

Tooru had been scared about going to middle school. He had apprehended it for the whole summer.  
He was torn between the want of change and the need of stability.  
He was afraid of how much it'd change, and if it did, would it be for better or for worst?  
He was scared it wouldn't change anything at all, and he'd have to stay all his four years at school alone again. Friendless and lonely. 

Sugawara Koushi, his only friend in primary school, had gone to a different school and the chances of seeing each other outside were rough. 

Though Tooru had challenged him for an official volleyball match, and assured him he would defeat him and win.  
And Hajime had pinched him when he'd told him. 

"He's supposed to be your friend, dumbass. Don't go around turning your friends into your enemies or something!" Is what he had said. 

"He's not my enemie, just on the court, Iwa-chan!" Tooru had responded as if it was an evidence and made Hajime want to pinch him harder. 

Tooru also was the most exited person on earth, because he would finally get to join an official volleyball team. And that is, especially, what he'd dreamt about these past years.  
All summer he'd spent whole days talking and thinking about how it would be, how well his teammates would play, who their coaches would be. He was too exited to think about anything else. 

So he tried to keep his worries aside, and focus on good grades and volleyball.  
And of course, at the end of the day, of Hajime waiting for him. 

So today, as he walked home from his very first day of middle school, he found himself, not crying like on his first day of primary school, but in fact, actually smiling. 

And as he walked toward Hajime's silhouette waiting for him, only hopes and dreams were filling his mind. 

When Hajime noticed him coming, with a nod of the head, he said, "So? How was it?"

And Tooru only smiled slightly, that annoying smile that said I am a dumbass but you still care about me.  
But there was something else about that smile who would normally piss Hajime off. Something more.  
Today, there was a bit of truth in that smile.  
He could almost distingue a bit of pride. 

"Yeah, yeah. We're all dying to know what happened." Hajime said looking around at the empty road and lonely high trees. "So tell us, Oikawa-sama." 

"If everyone here really wants to know," Oikawa finally started, with his chin help up high and his hands on his hips, "It was fine." 

Hajime expected more, he expected Tooru to continue, but he heard nothing next. 

"Fine? That's all you're gonna give us?" He prompted. 

"There's nothing more to say. The people in my class seem fine, so does the volleyball team. But i'm not there to make friends." He said simply, as if he couldn’t care less.  
As if Hajime was so easily fooled. 

"Are you kidding me, Tooru? You've been wanting to make new friends since-" 

"Ah, Iwa-Chan, stop being so humble, you know you're enough of a friend already. I don't need anyone else." Tooru said cutting him off, not wanting to hear what he had to say. 

But Hajime always had a way of making Tooru listen to him. 

"You know that's not true, dumbass. You've been worried all summer about making friends at school, and being on a good team. And now you really want me to believe you don't care? Come on Tooru, I know you're not that stupid." He said, ignoring the way Tooru looked away at the words and closed his eyes as if he wanted to ignore the world. 

"I just-" Tooru started. But then he stopped, swallowed and tried again, "I just don't want to expect too much. I don't want high expectations and then my hopes crushed off." 

Hajime understood that. And he knew he had already told Tooru too many times that he would be fine. Now he just had to let him do what he thought would be fine for him.  
And maybe Hajime trusted him with that a little.  
Even if he knew he probably shouldn't.

"I just want to go on and see what happens as it happens." Tooru explained again, after a moment of silence. 

And so, they did just what he had said, they went on and waited for things to happen. 

\- 

Time went by so fast that Tooru didn't notice any changes.  
The changes became the usual and the usual became his new routine. 

The first year of middle school wasn't so different from all the primary school years. People were nicer, but he barely made any friends. He liked his volleyball team but he liked playing the most. 

He saw Hajime every night and told him about his day, nothing about their friendship had changed that year and Tooru was more than happy about it.  
He would never admit it aloud but what scared him the most, was to lose Hajime. 

But deep down he knew it was inevitable. 

So as the second year went by, it didn't surprise neither of them when they started to part ways.  
Tooru begun to say he couldn't stay too long, or that he had too much homework, too tired from volleyball.  
He had tons of excuses to leave a little earlier every day more than the other and then more excuses to not even stop by anymore. 

They lost all sense of routine, and soon, they only saw each other on the week ends and on some days when Tooru wasn't too busy. 

But all that was fine, as long as Hajime was still there.  
Even when Tooru didn't stop by, Hajime was always there waiting for him, every nights no matter what and that always made Tooru feel unconsciously better. 

Tooru would just walk past and say whatever excuse he had that day, Hajime would nod or say whatever and they'd both go on different ways.  
But Tooru could still feel Hajime's presence.  
He knew that if something was meant to happen, Hajime was watching over him no matter what.  
And that was enough for him. 

So just like that, in a blink of an eye, the second year passed calmly. 

\- 

In the third year, the sky began to fell down, the sun to burn the surface of the earth, and the days started being hard to live again. 

Or that was just Oikawa Tooru’s description of his life as a fourteen years old,  
In fact, the boy would say he felt like he had to bear the weight of a fallen world on his shoulders. 

His mind was always full of worries and anxiety. 

He wanted to get better grades at school, be perfect at volleyball, be enough as a person.  
And never did he seem to succeed these goals. Never did he felt enough. 

And the worst, was that he knew why. 

Something was missing in his life.  
He knew it. He could feel it. 

He knew a presence that had helped him before, had disappeared now. 

And he missed it now. 

He missed him now. 

Because he pertinently knew who was missing. 

Tooru hadn't seen Hajime in three months now. 

He knew it because the last time they'd seen each other, it had not ended well.  
He had been angry and frustrated and he had promised himself he would never see him again. 

Hajime said things that Tooru didn't want to hear, and Tooru said things that he now regretted. 

It started off with nothing, as a regular day.  
It was the end of the day, of the week, of the term and school year and Tooru was exhausted. 

So he was walking home, just like every days. And as he walked past the spot, where Hajime was always standing, was nothing but the usual trees and rocks. 

But that wasn't too unexpected.  
Sometimes Hajime would show up, and sometimes he wouldn't.  
Most of the time he only disappeared when Tooru was feeling okay, but even that started to happen rarely. 

So as Tooru walked past, not wanting or having any intention to stop, he saw something that changed his mind. 

In fact, he stopped abruptly.  
He looked ahead and right in his line of sight was the tree they had marked a little while ago, when Tooru was ten and his mother had punished him.  
He had been sad and lonely, so Hajime had promised him he would stay by his side, always. 

And to mark that promise, they marked that tree with a messy "Tooru + Iwa chan" That was barely recognizable now. 

Hajime had formed a little smiling face with the two O's on Tooru's name, which he remembered, had made him laugh. 

And now, looking at the marks on that tree, looking back in time.  
He felt lost, he felt like for the first time, he needed Hajime like when he was a kid all over again. 

And at the same moment that feeling entered his lungs, a voice behind him said: 

"Nostalgic of old times?" 

Tooru turned, only to face the person he had expected. 

"Don't look so sad, these were good memories." Hajime continued calmly. 

For the first time, Tooru noticed that Hajime too, had grown.  
Neither of them were children anymore. 

"Too bad we can never go back to these times." Tooru responded looking quickly away and twitching anxiously his hands. 

"We still have time, you know, you're still young and you can still see me." Hajime said, leaning on a rock. 

"I- I know but, It's not like before, is it? And- and i can't always see you now. You're not here as often." Tooru spilt out. But he looked down at his feet. He already knew the answer to this. 

"That's because you don't need m-" Hajime started but Tooru cut him off. 

"But that's not true! See? You're here right now? I still need you!" Tooru started feeling tears fill his eyes. Apparently, not that much had changed since their childhood. 

"But you know that's not true! You have tons of friends at school, you're starting to have girls falling at your feet and you’re the popular handsome dumbass everyone wants to hang out with! You have volleyball and a stable good life!  
You have everything you always wanted to have! You don't need me anymore!" Hajime was shouting now, and he looked confused. And Tooru was focused on his tears falling at his feet on the ground. 

"But then why are you here?" Tooru whispered, so slowly and quietly that he wondered if the words had even got out of his mouth. 

But they did, because Hajime looked at him now with honest and truthful eyes. 

"Because you think you still need me." He answered just as quietly. 

And only silence remained between them, neither of them really knowing what was true, what was next. 

Even Tooru now, hearing against his will what Hajime had said, was asking himself too many questions at once. 

Was it true?  
Did he really not need him anymore?  
Was it the end? Were these goodbyes 

Tooru's breath got shorter and his vision blurry. 

"I don't- I have friends. But they're not like- like you. They will never be and-" His voice was cracking and his throat burning, he didn't even know what he was saying. 

He didn't know what he even needed anymore. 

"But at least they're real. Right? They'll never be like me because they're real. You can't keep lying to yourself, Tooru." Hajime said, even calmly than before.  
That was always when Tooru knew it was serious trouble.  
Hajime would talk too calmly, would be careful. Would choose the right words. 

Only he knew how to do that. 

"But I don't care about that! I-"

"Yes! Yes you do! Don't you think I noticed how you avoided coming here even when you wanted to see me? How you stopped talking about your friends at school? I know you want to feel normal, and i'm keeping you from that. That's why you don't want to see me anymore. But to really let me go, you need to stop thinking you still need me. Our connexion is gone, Tooru. I know you can feel that too.  
You don't need me, Tooru!" 

Hajime wasn't angry. But he wanted Tooru to know he could be alone now. He wanted Tooru to understand they weren't children anymore, and that soon he would fade completely.  
He wanted to stay, but he didn't want to be vital for Tooru.  
Because he knew how that could grow, and how it could ruin his future entirely. 

Tooru was silent.  
The only sounds coming from him were sobs and sniffles. 

He clenched his fists and dug his fingers hard onto his palm.

He was sad. But now he was getting frustrated, and mad. 

He didn't know wether he was mad at Hajime, for saying the truth that hurt him so much. Or mad at himself for not realizing it sooner. 

Maybe it was true, then.  
Maybe Tooru really didn't need Hajime anymore. 

"It's what you want, isn't it?" He said, "you want me to let you go."

He took a deep breath, still avoiding Hajime's eyes. 

"Then I'm letting you go. You can disappear. I don't care. I don't-" He needed to say it. He knew he needed to say it to really mean it.  
"I don't need you anymore." 

He said it so fast he barely realized the words had left his throat.  
He finally looked at Hajime, and held his stare in the silence following these terrific words. 

"Are you sure?" Hajime asked, slowly, carefully again. 

And then Tooru didn't hesitate.  
He needed to do that.  
Or at least he thought so. 

"Yes." He said. "I'm sure." 

Tooru looked at Hajime one last time.  
Looked at him, right into his eyes.  
He blinked.  
And then nothing. 

Hajime had disappeared.  
He was there and an instant after, he wasn't. 

Tooru looked around the calm forest that once seemed magical, now seemed unwelcoming and obscure.  
The sun was setting and the dark was soon to swallow the world whole. 

He couldn't feel anything at all. 

And just like that, in a blink of an eye, Hajime wasn't a part of his life anymore. 

Tooru felt like he had just woken up from an interminable dream. 

And Hajime was the dream. 

-  
That had happened three months ago. 

And now Tooru was feeling lonely all over again, just like when he was ten.  
Tooru hadn't felt this kind of loneliness since then, and there was a time when he thought he'd never feel it ever again. 

There was a time, when he thought he could forever live with Hajime, forever pretend he was real, forever act like he didn't know. 

There was a time when he was an innocent child, but now he wasn't anymore.  
Now he had grew up and he knew this could never last forever, because all the good things end. 

And as much as Tooru wanted to act mature and move on.  
As much as he wanted to accept the truth, he couldn't. 

He couldn't because of this feeling of loneliness. 

He couldn't because he knew Hajime was the only one who could heal this feeling, make it go away. 

But every time he reminded himself of it, he had to remind himself of the fact that Hajime wasn't even a real person. 

And then he hated himself.  
He hated the fact that he had been so lonely that one day he created a person for himself to be his friend.  
He invented a method to heal his loneliness and that was Hajime. 

He was dreaming awake or living in a dream, but either way, what he was seeing was never real. 

He hated himself for not being able to heal on his own.  
But at the same time, he wanted Hajime back. 

And that was so hard to accept, because he couldn't, wouldn't make him come back. 

Because he regretted so much all he'd said, he regretted so much to make him go away. 

He wanted his friend back, real or not, he wanted to feel loved and to be able to laugh again, he wanted to feel this safety he'd felt with Hajime all these years. 

But somehow, he believed this was long gone and could never come back. 

The last image Tooru had kept of Hajime, was his disappearance. 

His own dream fading before his eyes, his own paradise turning to a nightmare again. 

This safe and secure forest that now felt like a deserted place.  
Where the trees would normally protect him, now felt like they were closing onto him, and taking away his oxygen, choking him. 

The sent of flowers and fresh grass now was only covered by the sent of tears and sadness. 

Even the bright sun, that used to illuminate and give this place wonderful colors, was now recovered by grey clouds, soon opening up with rain. 

And Tooru was all alone, by himself, on his own, in this once bright place that he now hated so much, but kept coming back to. 

Tooru was holding so much not only sadness, but also anger.  
He was angry at everything and everyone, and he didn't know how to express all this powerful destructive feeling. 

So all he did was sit there, in the middle of this lonely forest, where no one ever comes. 

He sat there, clenched his fists and dug his fingers so deep into his palm that his nails might have pilled off some skin, and cried. 

He cried out of anger and sadness.  
Out of loneliness and hatefulness. 

He cried out every emotions he held back. Against himself and against the world. 

His tears slid down his cheeks to his chin and his eyes were like an ocean. 

He, himself, felt like an ocean of waves, waves that only brung back deep emotions he never wanted to find. 

He cried and cried and cried until he didn't even know why he was crying anymore, and even then, tears kept on falling. 

He cried until the grey sky was replaced by darkness and the clouds went away with the setting sunlight. 

He cried until he saw the stars and the moonlight. 

And after crying so much, he lied down, still panting and watched these constellations he loved so much. 

And. that night, when he saw a bright fast shooting star, he wished for the first things that came to his mind. 

He wished to be okay again. 

He wished loneliness didn't exist, and the world was a better place. 

He wished for aliens to come down on earth and take him away. 

He thought that maybe if he believed aliens existed, then these aliens believed some other aliens existed too.  
And so maybe someone somewhere was believing in him too. 

He wished he'd stop wishing so much unrealistic imbecilities. 

He wish he stopped wishing, and start doing. 

He hoped the world would end, so he could never feel like this again. 

He thought about how his world was ending already. 

He thought of how miserable and pathetically little he was compared to the universe, to all these stars, planets and comets. 

He thought of how even more small his problems were compared to all that. 

He thought about how his loneliness was bigger. 

He thought and thought and thought until his head hurt and he was sick of thinking. 

So then he started counting the constellations, naming each and every one he knew, and when he was done, he counted the stars, as if he knew he'd never be done with that. 

And then, just like that, under this infinity of stars and the light of each one of them, he felt a little bit safer. 

He felt a little more like he knew this place, like he could feel the security he’d always felt. 

Tooru will forever think that, this night, he had felt better because of the stars. 

And he was not wrong, it's true that the starlight and the innombrable constellations had stopped his uncontrollable cries. 

But the feeling of loneliness, unfortunately, didn't disappear because of the night sky. 

Tooru will never know that earlier that night, the young man he loved and missed so much had appeared behind a tree not so far away from where Tooru was crying.

And all he had done since then was watch, because he knew he could not do anything else. 

So he watched and tried to give Tooru every hope and positivity he could. 

And the lonely boy now had his eyes full of dreams and space, and Hajime was only ever watching from behind his hiding tree. 

Even he couldn't deny the proud smile drawing on his lips as he watched the other count the stars. 

Because never matter what would happen, Hajime would always and forever be watching over Tooru. 

-

Tooru was always a competitive type of person. 

He was always the child who would cry or say everyone cheated when he lost any irrelevant games.  
Always would do everything to win, just so he could be proud of himself, and make others proud. 

But that last year of middle school, Tooru became even more competitive than he already was, to the surprise of his loved ones who didn’t even think was possible. 

In fact, a new setter wearing the name of Kageyama Tobio arrived on his own precious volleyball team, just as a new rival called Ushijima Wakatoshi made his entrance in another unbeatable school team. 

Both considered as enemies on the court, Tooru had never felt so underestimated and low on self- confidence in his whole life. 

The weight he bore on his shoulder which he thought was deadly before, was now burying him underneath earth, choking him, proving him from any feelings he could ever dream to have. 

If Tooru thought he’d felt absolutely terrible as a child, then that year was an absolute nightmare.  
What he thought the most horrible thing that could happen was happening, and that wasn’t even the worst yet. 

And it was all his fault. 

He was not enough, and he was lonely all over again.

But normally, someone would be here to remind him he was doing his best.  
Everything would be okay.  
He would defeat them.  
He should breathe and take a moment.  
He was enough. 

But no one was there, no one believed in him. 

And just for a moment, Tooru thought how ironic this situation was.

Hajime wasn’t real, he was there until Tooru would need him and believe he still existed.  
But his whole life, Tooru had felt like it was the exact contrary.  
He was the one who needed Hajime to believe in him so he could exist. 

Tooru was like a star, who needed a believer to light up and shine brighter. 

Or a shooting star, who hadn’t find any humans for a wish to be made upon, but whom, in a fraction of second, had still lost its life into the darkness of the universe. 

And that was always how it had always worked.  
Tooru believe Hajime existed so Hajime could help Tooru shine. 

And Hajime was as real as Tooru’s light. 

But when the circle ended, they both lost everything. 

Without Tooru, Hajime would cease to exist, and without Hajime, Tooru would be lost into this unknown darkness. 

And there they both were, again, so lonely and lost without one another, provided from any faith. 

For Oikawa Tooru, the world was losing its light more and more everyday. 

All he wanted was to feel unbeatable. He wanted to be unbeatable. 

He felt at his best when he felt the stronger and most powerful of all. 

Despite his ego growing bigger, Tooru was also too determined and carried on ignoring the fact that his body could not handle so much as his head thought it could. 

He’d been staying later and later at practice, arriving first and leaving last. 

He served, ran, practiced until his body ached and all he could do was lay down and go to sleep. 

But even sleep wasn’t coming too easily for the young boy, he’d spend his nights watching volleyball matches, sure that it’d help him get better. 

But all it did was make it worst. 

He overworked until he was not much more than a bunch of bones walking and he stayed awake until his eyes were fighting back the urge to close and his mind wasn’t functioning clearly enough to watch the screen. 

Deep down, he knew too well that he wouldn’t last a year exhausting himself that way. But this young boy was too unconscious and blinded by all his insecurities and fears. 

He couldn’t stop doubting his own capacities, thing that he hadn’t ever done before now, the fear of not being enough was too powerful to be ignored that year.  
And all he could do to make it go away was improve and try to get better. 

Even if he would never be enough for himself and that the “better” was making the worst. 

He knew deep down, that his ideal was way out of reach and that his idea of perfection was unreal for a young boy like himself. 

He was reaching for adoration, for strength and for power, when all he really needed for reassurance. 

-  
On a peaceful Thursday, the redoutable thing that Tooru had been pushing away and ignoring for so long, finally happened. 

He was alone in the gymnasium, practicing after everyone had gone home. That had become his routine, and so had the pain in his knee. 

It had first appeared a while ago, but he had decided to ignore it and pretend it would eventually go away on its own. 

So he’d get used to that pain, sometimes stronger than some other times. But never enough to make him back off. 

But that Thursday, Tooru would always remember the immediate regrets he felt when his knee suddenly broke down under the weight of his body. 

When he fell and cried out in terrible pain, hitting him so suddenly and brutally, leaving him a mess on the gymnasium floor. 

His body had broke down under the constant over-pressure and overwork.

But now what would he do?  
He was alone, suffering and the fault was all his. 

And that’s exactly what the doctors said when he was brung to the hospital that night. 

They also said he would never be able to play like before.  
He needed to take more care of himself and promise to never practice this much again. 

He stayed a night in the hospital, that night he cried silently.  
His tears were full of regrets and guilt. 

And for the first time in a while, he truly wished for Hajime to be there by his side. 

And so, after months of absence, a shadow Tooru knew too well appeared in the white hospital room. 

And suddenly, the air felt respirable again. And Tooru could take deep breaths and dry his tears. 

The chromatic white hospital room which had felt so pathetically empty before now felt more secure and safe than he’d ever imagine this room could be. 

He recognized that familiar feeling of safety Hajime had always brung to the forest. To him. 

And as he starred a moment too long into Hajime’s eyes that he’d missed so much, he thought that maybe, just maybe, everything would be okay eventually. 

“What were you thinking?” Hajime broke the silence between them with a desperate shake of the head, “You stupid, ignorant... Argh, seriously can’t you take care of yourself for even a month?” 

Hajime sounded scared, yes, but also worried sick and almost happy to be back. 

“You say you don’t need me and then act like an imbecile? Can’t you at least remember what I said was the most important? Your safety, that is. Do you feel safe here in an hospital bedroom, with a broken knee?” 

“It’s not bro-“ Tooru tried to cut him off but was interrupted right back again. 

“You need to be a little more mature and responsible. I can’t believe so many people trusted you enough to be on your own when all you do is disappoint them at the end. And for what? To be the best on the team? To be invincible? Or just to feel that way?”

Hajime took a deep breath, twisted his hands and looked down at his feet, a gesture that Tooru recognized as a nervous habit. 

“Are you finished now?” Tooru asked, looking at the other boy directly in the eyes. 

Hajime opened his mouth, then closed it again and nodded. 

“My mom already lectured me enough, but I knew I couldn’t escape you either so...” Tooru explained and Hajime met his eyes silently, as if waiting for the rest.  
“Thank you for coming.” 

There were so many things Tooru wanted to say at this exact moment. He wanted to explain why he’d overwork himself so much, he wanted to let go of all his insecurities and fears, he wanted to catch up with his best friend on this life that’s been so hard to live without him. 

But all he did was hug him. Hajime approached the bed and Tooru immediately reached out in the need of physical contact.  
Hajime wrapped his hands around Tooru’s frail body. 

And Tooru allowed himself to cry. To let these big and painful tears roll down his cheeks and shake his entire body against the other boy’s. 

He wanted to let go of everything and forger how hard it had been when he felt like he’d lost everything. 

So he let go and held on to the only thing that had always mattered the most, real enough to make him feel at his best, real enough to be a pilar of strength, Hajime had always been real enough for Tooru. 

\- 

After the accident, everything fell back into a comfortable routine. 

Tooru wasn’t allowed to overwork after school anymore and he had to meet up with Hajime at a precise hour to prove it.  
He, then, had to be home before dark and have diner with his mother every nights. 

All that accompanied with too many medicines and weekly meetings with a doctor. 

But after all, Tooru had to admit, it wasn’t so bad.  
In fact, he hadn’t had that much sleep in years.

He would never say it to Hajime, but he was right. Now that he was resting more, that he’d stopped all that overthinking and that his anxiety had gotten down on pressure, he was more capable of beating his nemesis. 

He felt more confident and as invincible as ever. And even if it was still hard to lose matches or get bad grades, he now knew that he wasn’t and had never been alone.  
And he could always count on Hajime to remind it to him.

\- 

So the rest of the year pasted slowly and when the days started getting warmer, Tooru was released from his parents high surveillance and he was allowed to do what he wanted again. 

But he never did stupid things again after that last time, instead he stayed late in the dark forest with Hajime and watched the stars until he was too tired to keep his eyes open. 

And one night, when laying down in the fresh grass and watching the night sky had became a usual habit, they started asking questions. That wasn’t too unusual, either. Late night conversations, questions no one would ever think of asking in the sunlight, dark confessions, these were always present to their meetings as well. 

Tooru would ask questions about the world which Hajime knew better than to answer. He would ask questions about aliens and alternative universes, about science and discovery. They would argue on different points and sometimes even agree in the end. 

That night, though, there was a question that Tooru hadn’t dared ask before, that was now strangely stuck in his throat. 

He hesitated for quite sometime before asking it, not knowing what answer could he get, or what was even the point of asking, what would it change? 

But when the conversations was drifting away and they both were running out of things to say, Tooru couldn’t help but think that there was never a better time to ask it. 

So as the stars shone brighter and the forest got colder, as the only sound was the wind in the trees and Hajime’s breath next to his own, Tooru finally gave in and murmured in the dark of the night: 

“How does it feel like, not to exist?” 

There was a moment of surprised to Hajime, and then a moment of consideration during which neither of them dared move an inch. 

And after of what felt like an eternity of uncomfortable silence, Hajime murmured back: “how does it feel like to exist?” 

Immediately, Tooru was about to answer that he asked first, so it was only fair that Hajime had to answer first. 

But after a short moment, he realized he had no idea what he could possibly respond to this questions. 

He could have answered what a beating heart felt like in a healthy chest. What fresh air did when it entered your lugs. And all the basic things a human being would describe when it came to existing. 

But, truthfully, he had no idea what he felt like, as an existent human being. All these things were like technicalities or mechanisms to him and thinking about that hurt him much more than he ever imagined. 

And then he thought about how none of that mattered. He thought that wether Hajime was alive or not, had never mattered once in all the time they spent together. And it wasn’t going to begin to matter now. So how he felt about it was just a morality.  
And in that moment, he couldn’t care less about moralities. 

So instead of saying anything he started laughing. Not really knowing why, maybe he was laughing about the sarcasm of the situation. Maybe he was just laughing because he was sick of crying so much. 

But Hajime joined him and they both laughed hysterically until they were out of breath and there were tears in their eyes. 

It had been a while since Tooru had laughed so much, and when he went home that night, he couldn’t hide that small grin off his face. 

He could not express how much he had missed his best friend for these past few months, how it had been hard without him and now that he was there again, Tooru was filled with a strange nostalgia of catching up on the time they’d lost. 

As if deep down he knew they didn’t have much time left together, and that no matter how much he tried to push this thought as far away from his mind as he could, the feeling was still there and would not disappear.


	3. high school

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I gotta let you know,  
> I’m ready to let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me, appearing again after a hundred years: ims ssorry

On the day Tooru first went to high school,  
the sun was shining bright, alone in the pale blue sky, making everyone feel uncomfortably hot. 

In fact, he felt like if the sun got just a tiny bit brighter or a tiny bit bigger than what it already was, it might explode and finally end that terrible world Tooru lived in. 

Or maybe Tooru was just imagining it all, and this dramatic exaggeration was just due to the incredibly high amount of stress he was getting. 

Either way, he wasn’t feeling at his best. 

Tooru stood awkwardly in the big hall of Aoba Joshai, surrounded by strangers that, he guessed, sooner or later would all become familiar faces.  
In this gigantic school that he would in less than a month probably know every staircases of by heart. 

And maybe these thoughts were what scared him the most. 

Starting over again felt too familiar.  
The bitter taste of déjà vue expanded in his whole body as he walked toward a, once again, new routine to get used to. 

If his mom was listening to his thoughts, she’d say he should see it more like a new adventure every time. 

Hajime would snort, and say that it was just one of the perks of being alive. 

Tooru rolled his eyes at the thought,  
he just calls it life. 

-

And so, he had to get through it, which is exactly what he did. 

He didn’t rush anything, didn’t drag too much attention at first, he just let things come the way they came. 

And with that, he carried on living the boring life of every sixteen year olds.

He made new friends, mostly among his volleyball teammates and some of his classmates turned out to be nice too. 

As expected though, it didn’t take long before Tooru’s popularity went up to a high level again. 

He didn’t know how it happened, maybe it was after their first win at a volleyball match, but soon everyone started to notice him, girls started going after him and everyone seemed to envy his friends. 

And Tooru found he didn’t mind all this attention at all. 

“Starting pretty well, i see?” Hajime had commented, after a few times of Tooru showing up with confession letters in his bag and his phone ringing every two seconds. 

“Oh you know, no one can resist me, the usual.” He responded easily, which earned him a pinch on the head. 

But above all, things seemed to be okay again, Tooru started feeling lighter and brighter days after days. The weight on his shoulder was practically gone, and he could admit, that made him even better on court. 

He was still anxious, but not as much as he had been in the past, and he didn’t need to overwork himself nor start to worry about winning just yet, he had some time to accommodate before the matches season would start. 

One worry though, remained bugging his head once in a while. And at first it was just an insignificant simple thought, that would come on bad days and go on good ones.  
But then when he started thinking too much of it, it couldn’t leave his mind anymore. 

What if all this popularity, all these friends and parties, made Hajime disappear again? 

What if the reality took over the imagination, one more time? 

What if this time it would be forever? 

Tooru couldn’t risk losing him again, couldn’t accept the truth just yet, couldn’t let go. 

So he tried to keep the most contact he could. 

He made sure to be punctual, and arrive every night at the same time at the forest he would now call home. 

He made sure that he never skipped a day or never acted strange.

Most of all, he made sure to never mention his real friends to Hajime, never did he talk about the parties or the girls.  
They had many other conversation subjects beyond that, it was fine. 

He believed that by ignoring the feeling growing in his chest, ignoring the voice in his mind telling him they were close to the end, by avoiding all that, maybe just maybe, it could disappear. 

And for a while it did. But it never lasted as long as Tooru would have wanted to. 

\- 

As Tooru expected, they quietly fell back into the peaceful everyday routine. 

Until one day, something completely unexpected happened. 

It was a cold November day, the dark grey clouds had replaced the blue sky and the rain was now pouring calmly over Tooru’s head. 

When he arrived home from school, after passing by Hajime for a while, his mom cornered him before he had a chance to go up to his room and said: 

“You won’t be going to school tomorrow, okay? Apparently, there’s a big storm coming up and they say it’s better to stay safe.” 

And at that, Tooru looked happier than ever, he’d have time to rest and watch a Star Wars movie, maybe even two if he was lucky. 

As predicted, when Tooru woke up the next day, light was barely coming outside his window and the wind was so strong he thought it’d take the whole house away. 

His mom and he stayed home all day, cooked for two and watched movies while the world sounded like ending right behind their door.

“I bet all the trees of the forest fell down, due to the wind?” his mom said while eating dinner, “I’m not even sure you’ll be able to go to school that way tomorrow.” 

And Tooru abruptly stopped eating for a second, his mind going completely blank as he stared into emptiness, 

Wait.

“Tooru?” his mom called, bringing him to reality. 

“Uhm yeah, right. Don’t worry, I’ll be careful.” 

And with that, he finished eating as fast as he could, and went running upstairs without noticing his mom was calling for him to do the dishes. 

What if the forest really had been destroyed? 

Shit.

Tooru tried to shake the feeling out of his chest but at every time the wind came crashing on his windows, he couldn’t help but imagine each trees falling. 

He couldn’t help but imagine a helpless Hajime, losing his home. 

He lied awake that night, incapable of closing an eye, listening to the rain which couldn’t stop falling and the lightning strikes which were the only light in the darkness of the night. 

It was 1am when Tooru decided he couldn’t keep playing with his thumbs and quietly put his shoes on. 

He took the warmer coat he could find and made sure to wear three sweats. 

But when he went down his window and found himself already soaking wet, after two seconds of being outside, he thought he should probably stop taking impulsive decisions in a blink of an eye. 

But now that he was out there, it was pointless to turn back. 

He started running, as fast as he could, twisting his ankles and falling a few times but he didn’t care, he kept on running into the dark storm ahead of him. 

The moment reminded him of the time he and Hajime ran into the storm to his house, because Tooru didn’t want to leave him out there on his own. 

The only time Hajime had met his mom, since then she’d told him he was too old to keep having an imaginary friend, and Tooru had nodded, deciding to keep Hajime a secret from then on. 

But now he didn’t know where Hajime was, and he was scared for his life. 

When he arrived at their once meeting point, (Tooru was sure it had to be there) he couldn’t recognize anything, it was a mess, trees everywhere and thunder roaring into his ears. 

He could barely see a thing but he knew it would never be the home it used to feel like. 

Tooru stared until he remember why he’d come here and started screaming on top of his lungs. 

“Hajime!” He turned around and screamed the boy’s name again. 

Again and again until he was sure his voice was louder than the thunder and the rain. 

“Haji-“ A hand on his shoulder made his breath cut short and his heart jump in his chest, he turned around and found himself face to face with his best friend. 

Before he could say anything, Tooru hugged him tight and took a deep breath. 

“Get off me! You’re soaking!” Hajime said pushing Tooru but taking his hand so he wouldn’t fall backwards. 

“What the fuck are you doing here? Are you fucking crazy! Go home now!” Hajime continued before Tooru had a chance to say a word. 

“I- I got scared. For you. For the forest. I just, I couldn’t do nothing.” Tooru explained, already feeling the tears in his eyes, or was it just the rain? 

“Are you stupid?” Hajime yelled again, “We’re not children anymore! You know I can’t get hurt. So now go home before something happens.” At that the lightning struck again threatening to light a trees on fire, or worst. 

“Only if you come with me!” Tooru yelled back.

And then he swore he heard Hajime think: oh no, not again. 

“Please? I can’t leave you here.” And unfortunately, Hajime knew Tooru too well, and couldn’t do anything but agree to Tooru’s whines 

And so they both got home safely and got to Tooru’s room by climbing his window once again. 

And shortly after changing into clean dry clothes, they both fell asleep on top of Tooru’s small bed. 

Tooru pressed himself as close as he could to Hajime, and Hajime held him as tight as he could.  
They breaths mixed and hands on each other, closer and closer until it was close enough to make the storm and the worries disappear. 

The thunder now felt less threatening and the rain had seemed to stop ringing through his ears, the calm was coming back soon. 

When Tooru woke up the next morning, he was alone.  
An empty feeling overwhelming him as he breathed in what he could swear was Hajime’s smell. 

And only then did he realize, that the reason he had gone looking for Hajime in the middle of a stormy night, was because Tooru was afraid of storms. 

But at that time, he’d forgotten his fear.  
Because Hajime had been the only thing to matter, had been his safety, his refuge through the storm, his home. 

His only way to stop being scared, to bring peace to his mind. 

He’d slept amazingly that night, like he hadn’t in ages. 

\- 

Oikawa Tooru always had a serious problem with reality. 

You could say he always despited it too much, pushed it away as he pleased, ignored it and avoided it at all costs. 

Never enjoyed it at all, every time things would get too real, Tooru would disappear with the last pieces of fantasy, leaving the reality to itself alone, never wanting to be a part of it. 

Only now did he realize, that he’d spent his life running away from it. 

In every ways he could ever find, wether it was movies, books, music, to just escape from it. Or more serious things like Hajime, to disfigure it as his own will and pleasure, to make reality his own imaginary heaven. 

Where everything was surreal but also as perfect as it could be. 

He was scared of it, more than he would admit. Scared to be stuck in a reality he hated, one day, stuck somewhere imagination would be banished or limited and he’d be unable to do as he wanted, obliged to do as he was told in the reality of everyone else. 

Tooru wanted his own reality, his own fairy tail, that he’d created in this blooming forest with his irreplaceable best friend.  
A reality where things were as easy as he wanted them to be. A reality where everything was just easy to reach for and to become who he wanted to be was a potential destiny. A reality with a happy ending. 

As he grew up, Tooru became aware that this reality didn’t and would never exist.  
No such things as what his mind had made up for him to feel better was to ever exist. 

This reality was nothing but his own fairy tail, his own world he loved and cherished so much. 

A world that was destroyed every second that Tooru spent growing up. 

Every breath he took, every step he walked, every night he slept, was a step toward living in the terrible reality he hated so much and letting go of his own. 

And as much as Tooru hated it, wanted to deny it, deep down he knew it was the truth that was darkening his innocent children’s heart. 

 

So when the forest was destroyed that night, by this storm that felt like the end of the world, Tooru thought it really would be an end. 

When he woke up that morning, without Hajime in his arms, without the warm feeling of home, the first thought he had was, it’s over. 

For a second he thought, he’d let go, his home, his safe heaven, his fairy tail, his own reality. It was all gone now. 

The storm had took it away, leaving nothing but the bitter taste of memory. 

Like a leave flying in the wind, insignificant and lonely, leaving for elsewhere, just to fly away soon again. 

And Tooru didn’t know what to make of it.  
Didn’t know wether it was a good, or a bad thing that his whole world had fallen apart with a storm, that the thunder had electrocuted the only thing that really mattered to him. 

That day at school passed longer than any years he had to go through. 

And when he reached the once known as home forest, he didn’t even know where he should stop to meet his once best friend. 

He’d come here expecting nothing, and after waiting for half an hour, a sorrow thought told him he would leave with nothing as well. 

As he turned to walk to his house, the tears already falling like rain on his cheeks, a soft voice he had stopped wishing for, whispered behind his back: 

“You thought I wouldn’t come right?” Hajime said, and Tooru considered for a moment how he’d never heard that voice before.  
“I couldn’t decide if you really wanted to see me or not.” 

Tooru turned to look at his best friend in the eyes, just to see them as sad as he never imagined they would be. 

And for a minute, the two boys looked at each other without a word, feeling like the only two people left on earth, not knowing what to make of a world that had ended so many times and kept on ending every second passing by.

“It’s a shame.” Hajime sighed, breaking the silence again. “It feels like the storm took my home.” 

He looked around with a sad smile on his lips and his eyes shining with tears. 

Our home. 

“It’s okay though, alright?” Hajime continued, “That’s why a home can never be only a place, Tooru. Because you can’t risk losing your home every now and then.” 

And at these words, Tooru realize, that his home was never the forest. 

It was always Hajime. 

\- 

Everything became calmer afterwards. 

And they never spoke about what had happened that night, what was there to talk about anyways? 

The forest was a mess, but that never stopped them from carry on meeting there. 

And Tooru was becoming a master at ignoring the voice in his head saying that the storm had only meant the beginning of the end.

After that night, time felt like it was going faster than light, and it was probably Tooru’s biggest fear.

That first year ended as soon as it had started, with a bit of disappointment, as he lost his volleyball match, but with a promise to come back next year, stronger. 

But it wasn’t a surprise for anyone, when they also lost that same match the year after, against the same team, Shiratorizawa, and Tooru’s biggest hate and despite. 

And as frustrated as he could have been that end of second year, it wasn’t the last one, just yet. 

He just had to hold on, a bit longer, pretend and avoid, and never look back at his previous mistakes. 

Just like that, as the time seemed to accelerated a bit too fast sometimes, feeling like it had forgotten a lost boy behind, his first two years of high school ended the same way.

\- 

When his third year began, Tooru knew things were changing. 

He couldn’t help but admit though, that maybe there was some good in that change. 

The first thing that made him say that, was his election has the volleyball captain that year, and what he’d always dreamed of. 

And the second would be that they sure would win any matches, with him as a captain. 

He would never forgive himself, if they were to lose the final matches, against his sworn enemies, on his last year with his friends and teammates. 

He had no choice but to win, and he would make sure to do everything he could to succeed.

It was his only pride after all, as much as Hajime hated it when he said that; (“you’re good at a lot of other things, you brat.” He’d say.) He couldn’t let that go, he wanted to prove to himself and others that he was worth it, all of it had been worth it. 

And so the year went on, with practice and exams studies, less time for himself, it sure was. But Tooru knew better than to complain, there were simply some things he needed more than others. 

-

The cold days arrived sooner than expected, then.  
The once green and flamboyant forest became white and more silent than anything. 

Like the calm after the storm except the storm was way too loud and that calm was way too quiet. 

And like every year, a bright and smiley Tooru came looking for Hajime at the end of this first winter day. 

“It’s snowing! Hajime! It’s snowing!” He said, his clothes already wet and his hair full of snowflakes. 

“I know, I’m not blind.” Hajime said grumpily, indeed, the snow was hard to miss, as it had transformed all the familiar view to an almost irreconcilable clear white mess. 

“Why are you so grumpy? Snow is supposed to make everyone happy!” Tooru said with a playful smile, and before Hajime had time to grumble something else, he was kneeling down, reaching and slowly forming a perfectly round snowball that he immediately threw at Hajime. 

“Asshole!” Hajime exclaimed before he was hit by yet, another snowball. 

“Come on! You’re such an old grumpy man! Dont you want your revenge?”  
And Tooru knew he shouldn’t have said that. 

Soon, he was hiding behind a rock, and preparing as many snowballs as his frozen hands could.  
He was almost sure the second world war wasn’t as intense, no dramatization. 

When he finally got out of his safe hiding place, he barely had time to register what was happening before all he could see and feel was snow and cold, freeze, on his face. 

And then, when he opened his eyes again, incoherently screaming, Hajime stood before him, with twice as much munitions as he had.

And that’s when he knew, he’d lost the war. 

And in fact, he had.  
After not even five minutes of fighting, he threw himself full on in the snow, declaring his loss and exhaustion, his lungs burning from laughing so much. 

And Hajime had lied down beside him, and they’d stayed silent and watched. Just contemplating the snow falling upon them, covering every color of the world with white, making everything feel so clean, so safe, so right. 

And for a moment, Tooru wanted to be the snow and feel like that. He wanted to be as easy and safe. 

He wanted to cover up his own world just to feel it slow, calm down, and feel safe again. 

But he knew deep down, that the snow was just another way to cover up and pretend everything that wasn’t as easy, a way to put the world to sleep for a few days, a few months sometimes, until it melted down and the world kept on being that horrible place everyone knew it was. 

But for sometimes the snow helped people forget, forget these atrocities and unfairness of the world, and pretend, at least pretend, that everything was okay. 

That’s why most people were happy when it snowed, despite the traffic and the cold, because the world seemed to be a safe place, at least for a while. 

And maybe that’s why, in that moment, Tooru was almost convinced it would be okay, he would be alright. 

For that moment again, it was nice to forget, to ignore the feeling growing in his chest. 

And just like the snow, to pretend. 

\- 

But then the snow melts down, and the lie disappears within. Leaving the world’s faith to the hot sun, illuminating and revealing the horrific truth everyone was so scared of. 

Tooru always got too disappointed when the snow stated to melt down, whining and complaining about not having enough time to enjoy this time of the year. 

Reminding him once again, that all the good things disappeared too fast. 

And that the clock was ticking, the end of the year already approaching. 

So maybe that’s why Tooru was glad when the match seasons finally came around. 

He was stressed, of course, knowing that it’d be his last year and so, his last matches with the Aoba Joshai team. 

It was also one of the main reason on why he wanted to win this all so much.  
If he didn’t win now, then when? 

There wasn’t a ‘next year’ to hold onto, this time. 

After 2 years of playing against his number one nemesis on the court, Ushijima, Tooru was determined to finally win this year. 

“It’s my year.” Tooru had said when he was walking the path to the court on the first day of school.  
"This time, it really is."

Even if he was under an unbelievable amount of stress, it was the best stress he’d gotten so far.  
The stress that made you walk even more proudly and strongly on the court.  
The stress that was inevitable to do things right. 

And perhaps, this time of the year was also a way to take his mind off things. The matches were becoming a great distraction.  
And for that he was grateful. 

 

And so he played. He played like never before. With so much confidence and rage, determination to win. 

For a moment, on the court, right after they’d won a point that could have saved their match, right after he marked that point, for not even half a second, Tooru could have sworn he saw the figure of Hajime in the crowd, cheering for him. 

And half an hour afterwards, when they lost, he looked back, a few times, and saw no one. 

They all cried in the end, and Tooru knew he was supposed to, as well.  
And he was sad, disappointed, angry even. But in that moment he didn’t matter. He was the captain of the team who needed him. 

And despite the overwhelming feeling of selflessness growing into him, he couldn’t afford to show weakness. 

So he walked out of court chin up, tall and proud, promising another revenge to his sworn nemesis. 

 

And it is only when the sun sets down, that Tooru gets on his way home. 

And it is only then, that he stops by the forest, spots Hajime and runs into his arms just to break down into tears without a word. 

Hajime had saw Tooru cry a lot of times by now. 

Sometimes he’d cry for a stupid movie he’d saw on tv the previous night, he’d cry of exhaustion, of despair.  
Sometimes he’d cry out of regrets and hate.  
Sometimes out of anxiousness, and sensibility. 

But that day, that day Tooru cried out of pure sadness, nostalgia and insecurity. 

As he shed tears upon Hajime’s shoulder, he whispered:  
"I wanted to be enough, for once."

And he kept saying;  
"I wanted to make you proud."

Any other day, Hajime would have beat him up for saying such thing, reminding him, for the hundredth time that he was always proud, always enough. 

But today he just pat his head, and pulled his hair until Tooru had calmed down.  
And afterwards, Hajime held his chin and looked at him straight in the eyes, not letting go. 

"Remember when we were little, you said you wanted me to go at one of your matches. And when I said I couldn’t you got all sad for days."

Tooru nodded, not sure where he was going with that memory. 

"Well I can tell you now, you were amazing today, Tooru." And Tooru’s eyes widened, the realization finally hitting him.  
”You outshined everyone. The public? They only had eyes for you, I never saw that before, it was impressive.  
Never before, have I been so proud to call you my best friend." 

And at that, Tooru started crying once again, burying his head on Hajime’s shoulder and never wanting to let go, ever again. 

Maybe it was the end, soon. 

But he’d never forget any of that. 

\- 

On a cold night of that same winter, as Tooru walked as always, into the forest on his way home. 

He noticed though, that the sky was too dark for an evening and it showed no stars , no lights at all to brighten it. 

But Tooru wasn’t scared, he never was when it came to that home he shared with Hajime. 

But it soon changed when he got closer to their meeting point, almost blinded by darkness, and that he couldn’t find Hajime at all. 

Tooru was lost now, and had no idea what to do. He stared at the trees for a second, and could have sworn they were moving. 

Tears started rolling down his cheeks as he sat on the dirty floor and held his knees up his chin. Feeling like a little boy afraid to fall asleep. 

He looked around again, and the trees were definitely moving now, closing on top of him, the faster his breathing got, the faster an arch of trees was coming closer to him and threatening to close him off. 

He cried and cried until he was too scared to even glance at the trees so close to him they were touching, scratching him. 

“Let me go!” he screamed “I don’t want to be trapped in here!” 

And he repeated that until his throat hurt. 

“Someone help me!” He screamed again. 

And that’s when Hajime appeared, all of a sudden, next to him, looking at him with the same despaired and annoyed eyes he wears when Tooru makes a stupid joke. 

“Hajime I- this is a trap! T- The trees! they aren’t letting me breathe!” He screamed in destress again, “We need to go! I- I need to go.” he finished that last sentence as a whisper before looking right into Hajime’s eyes, which were shining with tears now. 

Tooru woke up drenched in sweat, then.  
Panting on his own bed, tears along his cheeks and pillows. 

It took a few hours to calm down and finally go to sleep again. 

And when he woke up the next morning, he decided to never think about that dream or the meaning it could have, ever again. 

Though, when Tooru walked into the forest to find Hajime waiting for him that night, he couldn’t help but noticed how much tall and twisted the trees had grown, since the first time he’d been there. 

\- 

Spring came around, then. 

And as everyone seemed to be the happiest at that time of the year, as the flowers started to bloom and the humidity in the air tended to fade, as the world started to see colors again. 

One boy, remained unbothered by the weather. 

Indeed, Tooru had always liked winter best. 

And he knew what spring was bringing, as it entered everyone’s life with colors and smiles, it also brung too many bad news, like a wave that would bring back the waste of the previous storm, to the surface of the water. 

Tooru’s graduation was close now, and as much as he’d waited for that moment since his very first day of school, things had changed now, and he felt he was leaving behind so many things. 

His volleyball team had soon became a family to him, people to look out for.  
And they’d all be going to different schools and losing each other to the life that had also brung them to meet. 

He’d be leaving his family, his house, his life. It was moving out into the big blue ocean of life. 

And to be perfectly honest, Tooru didn’t actually care about any of those things. 

The hole in his stomach, could have been due to stress, he could say. 

But it was due to the only thing that he was to leave behind. Leave, or let go.  
Soon he’d step into the adult life, soon he was turning eighteen. 

Soon he’d have to let go. 

Hajime would stay there, as the dream he had always been, and he would take care of the place, Tooru tried to tell himself. 

So many years of avoiding that final strike, that last bow, and now it was only days away. 

Tooru felt he couldn’t breathe, just at the thought of it. 

\- 

On the day of Tooru’s graduation, the warmth was back. Suffocating, like his first day of high school.

And the sun of spring was hitting hard of the back of Tooru’s head, who was already sweating from anxiousness. 

He was more focused on the diploma he was about to receive than anything else, or perhaps, he only wanted to focus on that only. 

Tooru and Hajime’s relationship had been at it’s strongest these past few weeks, in fact, Tooru had never felt closer than Hajime now than he’d ever been before. 

As if they both knew those instants were the last they’d ever have together, and wanted to make the best out of it. 

Tooru took place besides the other graduating students, who he had learned to call his friends as well throughout that last year. 

And as he started to listen to the speech his headmaster was giving, as the claps started to ring in his ears, as the first student stepped on stage to receive his diploma, Tooru found himself unable to focus on anything happening before his eyes. 

He felt out of it, as if there was something strong, that was taking him away from reality.  
Intercepting any possible connexion to the real world. 

And when Tooru tried to breathe, tried to reason himself, the headmaster was calling his name, and he was feeling his feet pushing him to walk onstage. 

They gave him his diploma, and Tooru walked over to the mic, praying to be able to say at least a word. 

He grabbed the micro and looked around at the audience, spotting his mom, who gave him an encouraging smile. His friends smirking his way, along with all the people whom he’d spend his high school years with. 

And suddenly he froze. Because at the back of the public, sitting on the very last chair, where no one would notice him, was Hajime, head resting on his hand, smiling too fondly. Tooru could almost distinguish tears in his eyes. 

And it felt like seeing him for the first time all over again. 

Suddenly all the memories he’d made with his best friend came back to him like a flash of light. 

He was seeing Hajime appearing in front of him, in the still colorful and magical forest, with a fillet on his right hand, and a welcoming grin on his face. 

He was seeing himself coming back to school crying, running into Hajime’s arms for a bit of comfort and love. 

He was seeing them both playing volleyball for the first time. Playing in the snow. Running through a storm. Then two.

He was seeing them laying underneath a sky full of stars, wondering about life. 

He was seeing all the times they’d fight, and when Hajime had left and how much Tooru had been hurting without him. 

When he looked into Hajime’s eyes now, and that Hajime looked right back at him. He could feel the warmth in his heart all over again, he could feel at home. 

And Tooru wondered again for a second, how was it possible that a single perk of his childhood imagination could procure him so much emotions at once. 

How come that one day, when Tooru had wished only for a friend, destiny had decided to turn his world upside down and create the most incredible and perfect dream. 

And at this instant, Tooru couldn’t stop the grateful smile drawing on his lips, as he approached the mic to his mouth without taking his eyes off Hajime, and whispered only simple words that would mean everything to the both of them. 

“Thank you so much.” He said, “Thank you for everything.” 

And stepped out of the stage without another word. 

He refuged himself behind the school yards where he knew only one person could find him, and he did. 

Tooru was sitting on the fresh grass, knees to his chest, head resting upon them as he turned his head only to look at Hajime who was coming to sit beside him. 

He looked up at the sky then, feeling the other boy’s presence besides him. 

“This is it, right?” He whispered again.  
“This is goodbye.” 

And Tooru didn’t need to look to know that Hajime was nodding silently. 

“I’ve been so scared of this moment you know?” He continued, his eyes still on the sky.  
“From now on, I’m taking a different path, I’m leaving home for some other city I don’t know. Meeting new people. Creating my own adult life. I’m going to live alone, study something I don’t know I’ll like.  
And I’m scared you know, scared to feel lonely, scared to step into this new life.  
But most of all, I think I’ve been scared to do it without you.  
I’m going to turn eighteen in a while, and I know I could ask you to stay until then. But it won’t change a thing right? If not now then later, but this is how it ends and not any other way.” 

Hajime was staying silent but Tooru could feel his gaze on his right profile while he kept avoiding it. 

“Remember when you said you’d always be there by my side, for as long as I would need it? And I answered I’ll always need you.  
For too long I believed in that, because I refused to let you go. But I knew deep down that it was inevitable. And maybe that’s when I stopped being angry about it. This isn’t a sad ending to our story, is it? It’s just the right one. As much as I’d want it to be different, it’s impossible.  
But now I know that it’s okay. It’s alright.  
I can let you go now, but not before you know how much I owe you. 

“Since I was a child I’ve been needing you. And I kept you around as safety, even when the need was gone.  
I remember when I made my first real friend, is when I realized I could never grow old with you.  
As much as I wanted you to be real, you could never be, and that was terribly hard to accept. But I think I get it now. And I forgive you, and I forgive myself.  
And I accept the truth, that was the big step to take before letting you go. 

“Now, here, it’s just you, me and the sky.  
And it’s always been like that, nothing but us. It was enough for me, you were always enough for me, I never needed anyone else by my side but you.  
That’s probably what scares me the most about letting you go, is that because of always having you there, and only you, the place will be empty now. And I’ll always miss you, even if deep down I know you were never there.  
I’m scared, but somehow I know I can go on, on my own now.  
Because of all the strength you gave me these past few years, I’ll be alright for an eternity, I think.” 

And at this moment the time seemed to stop, and a whole lifetime could have gone from the minute Tooru had stopped talking to the other when he turned his head so slowly, and looked at Hajime straight in the eyes. 

Tears were falling on both of the boys’ cheeks, but neither of them were sad.  
Like Tooru had said, they both knew this wasn’t a sad ending, just the one they knew would come, at some point.  
And as prepared as they were for it, the following words still left an invisible wound in both their hearts, real or not. 

“I’ll miss you, but I don’t need you anymore.” 

Tooru whispered, slowly.  
Feeling his lips wet of tears, before pressing them to Hajime’s own.  
The kiss was careful and soft, like a promise, like a goodbye.  
And maybe it only lasted a second, but Tooru realized, it had felt more real than anything he’d ever experienced in his whole life. 

And suddenly, it was like the time had taken back its right way again, and it was another painful second before Tooru dared to open his eyes, only to find an empty spot on the grass besides him, and an empty place in his heart. 

But Tooru knew now, that every word he’d said to Hajime was true, and that it was only the right thing to do, the right way for their story to end. The only way.

He looked up at the sunset sky afterwards, and the colors that seemed as magical as Hajime had ever been, made him feel safe and warm all over again. 

And he realized, Hajime had left, but Tooru would never be lonely again. 

Because Hajime would always be by his side, one way or the other. 

Tooru looked up at the sky and Hajime was there, looking after him, he couldn’t see him but he knew. 

And he knew whatever was to happen, he would be okay now. 

 

\- 

Three years later

Tooru dreamt about him again that night. 

And he woke up with a smile on his face. 

As every morning, he got ready to go to college, in which he was studying science now. Which he liked. 

He’d found friends and a dorm room to himself. 

He had fallen back to a routine he actually liked this time, and life couldn’t be greater. 

He was still playing volleyball, sometimes here and there. He was partying like a twenty-one year old frat boy would, he was living and feeling alive. 

He could see where he was going in some years, and even if the future was still a blur and inconvenient subject of discussion sometimes, he knew that it would be okay now, he didn’t have too much to worry about. 

And Tooru still dreamt of Hajime, after these past years, the boy was still looking after him. 

Somehow it felt as if Hajime was ready to step in if Tooru was to do something out of line, like a mom who would call only when she scents trouble. 

But Tooru was glad, because even if he didn’t think about his old best friend too often now, he would never forget about Hajime, not in a thirty years when he’ll be working and happily married, not in a hundred when he’ll be dying. 

Because even now, sometimes on lonely Sunday nights, he still wonders where he’d be without Hajime.  
What would have happened to him if he hadn’t created a best friend to look after himself. 

Tooru would never forget and Hajime would always be there, one way or another, to look after him, in times of need. 

Because after all, Tooru was always a boy with a lot of imagination, and Hajime was always one to keep his promises. 

And somehow, real or not, they matched like the sky and the stars. 

(Tooru could never shine without Hajime by his side)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhm, so this is it, i hope you cried just as much as me at the end!  
> thanks to everyone for reading! 
> 
> ((ps: i totally listened to let go by bts while writing the entire end, so listen to it as well for more pain!)) 
> 
> ((( ps again: my friend made a playlist for this so if yall want to listen to it! https://t.co/zh9qJuHjwu ))) 
> 
> i love yall


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